Pain and Control

As many of you know we did not see a heart beat at our last ultrasound. Needless to say this was an incredibly sad event in our lives. Since then we ran away for a couple of days. We went to St. Louis to take some time and be away from the pain as much as possible. Some may have problem with that. Some may think that was the wrong decision for us. I suppose that is their opinion. I of course would disagree. For me I was taking care of my family, in particular my wife. In the end we did some really neat and fun things. All the while Angie and I knew in the back of our minds that today we would be having another ultrasound. For me today is like a Day of Reckoning. Today will be the day in which we either confirm what we saw on Monday or the day when hope will once again be renewed.

If you have ever been in this kind of position then you may understand the feelings and thoughts that are running through me. You may have been in the place where you know that God can raise the dead but you do not think He would do that for you. That is where I am at. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God can do that but I am not so sure He would do that for my child or me. Along with this I have not wanted to hope for that kind of miracle for fear of being disappointed. I knew in my head that it was wrong to approach God in this way but my heart was just in that place. Today, God reached down past all of my fear and spoke to my heart.

I wish I could tell you that He said "I will raise this child from the dead." What He did tell me though was that He can raise this child, He understands my pain, He allowed His own son to die (and had the power to do something about it) and that He will carry my family through. Our God is a God who saves. He reigns now and forever. His awesome and mighty. Today I have begged God to bring my child back to life and there is a part of me that believes He will. There is a part of me that wants to hope with great passion that He will. The selfish/defensive part of me struggles to do this yet I am still trying to have that kind of hope. May God help in my unbelief and lack of hope.